


Drowning In Answers, All Out Of Questions

by Sugar_and_Salt



Series: Questions & Answers [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Real Life, Romance, Separation Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-29
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-17 00:06:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5846164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugar_and_Salt/pseuds/Sugar_and_Salt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyungsoo finds that he has a hard time caring about anything at all. He finds himself unwilling to care about his grades, his colleagues or his family. They're not even worth the effort. Kim Jongin, however, is actually worth the effort. And so much more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Drowning In Answers

It was completely silent in the room and the approaching dawn slowly began to drain the color out of the mess. Files and loose sheets had been placed on the desk until they piled up to the point that any additional piece of paper would cause an avalanche. Judging by the floor, it had already happened multiple times though no one had cared enough to pick up the now severely wrinkled sheets.  
Above the desk and evenly spread out throughout the room was a sea of random objects like loose coins, candy wrappings and pencils in all colors. Not to forget the clothes which ranged from diverse piles on the floor to the ones thrown over the back of a chair or the bedposts of the ridiculously huge bed covering about a fourth of the room.  
The mess showed no mercy towards the bed. A couple of woolen pullovers - obviously worn - occupied a corner of the bed, joined by more paper and a few pencils, clean brushes and not so clean ones, carelessly stacked into a rustling garbage bag.  
Between all the mess that took up at least half of the king-sized bed there was a figure huddled into a thick blanket, showing nothing but tufts of black hair.  
The figure was lying perfectly still in a weird diagonal angle and only barely avoided touching the things near it.  
Yes, perfectly still and lost in a deep sleep. That is, until the mobile phone nearby on the mattress began to vibrate and a rather harsh electronic tune disturbed the silence. The figure rustled and a pale hand appeared from under the blankets to blindly hit the touch surface repeatedly until the phone stilled.  
It was 19:36.  
But instead of getting up the young man only buried himself deeper into the pleasantly warm blankets. The phone would ring again in 9 minutes. After all, it had been doing so for almost an hour.  
It was a completely irrational time to sleep. He should be writing an essay for his history course, work on his practical exam, he should be doing something. Anything.  
But he didn't.  
Instead, he kept dozing until it was completely dark in his room and only got up to make himself some cheap cup ramen... And go back to bed about two hours later.  
  
Welcome to the life of Do Kyungsoo.

  
 

* * *

 

  
It was 10:30 and Kyungsoo was blankly staring ahead at the whiteboard where an extensive mind map had been developed over the past hour.  
To him, it seemed like it had taken a whole day while at the same time the diagram had suddenly appeared without any sense behind it. Maybe, if he hadn't drawn nonsensical pictures onto his work sheet, it would all be making sense now. But he had. And deep inside Kyungsoo knew that if he hadn't, he would have stared ahead with glassy eyes, too tired to concentrate, just like he did now.  
He was tired. At university, he always was.  
Then again he was tired all day, no matter the location.  
"Hey, Soo.", his only row neighbor whispered suddenly, causing Kyungsoo to flinch a little, "Can you read the point at the top left?"  
He shook his head and mumbled an almost intelligible 'sorry' while rubbing his eyes.  
And he meant it.  
He felt sorry towards his slightly older colleague Suho who used to be a close friend of his. They were sitting next to each other in every lesson and used to chat animatedly - not only about study-related things but also future plans, personal matters... anything, really.  
Suho had been the link between him and the student body, the reason he was accepted like this.  
Kyungsoo wasn't an unfriendly person per se. But his straight forwardness and rather quiet moments were heavily misleading considering the lively and caring nature that lay closely beyond those first impressions.  
Now Kyungsoo wondered whether all of his good traits were gone. Maybe he had been meant to be a loner right from the start, unfit for the whole system of the self-imposed student society.  
Since even though he felt sorry for Suho he also felt too tired and cared too less to actually _try_ reading the passage.

 

* * *

 

  
It had been a slow process, gradually sneaking into his life. It was the first day after summer vacation when he entered into his last semester of studying art, that Kyungsoo... Didn't feel like it.  
Didn't feel like studying, his head all muddy and unwilling to focus.  
Didn't feel seeing all these obnoxious and probably very fake people.  
Didn't feel like talking to any of them, bored by their vacation experiences.  
  
And since Suho seemed to be in a bad mood, probably exhausted by his demanding part-time job Kyungsoo didn't talk much to him, either. Though secretly he was grateful for it and gladly took the excuse to quietly sketch a few figures at the bottom of his page.  
Later on he kept the sheet for the drawing since he hadn't written down anything lesson-related. Kyungsoo wasn't too worried. After all, everyone had their bad days.

The day after that didn't bring a change and a few days later Kyungsoo caught a cold, keeping it low and avoiding other people. Again, it was a mere excuse and he knew it.  
He cured his sickness the way he usually did - by lounging around in bed, watching lame movies and dozing off in between.  
It still took almost two weeks for him to fully recover. And another one for Kyungsoo to realize that the feeling of exhaustion didn't seem willing to leave any time soon.  
He was still unwilling to talk to anyone and when he did, he had difficulties upholding a conversation. It was a tedious task that felt like hopelessly flailing around to catch onto the red string the discussion was following only to lose sight of it whenever he might have had something to add to the conversation.  
So not only did Kyungsoo give up on trying to initiate contact with the others... He also felt a little annoyed whenever someone came up to him since he just wasn't in the mood to put in so much effort just to keep up the image they had of him.  
Couldn't he just be left alone?  
He didn't care whether they went anywhere without him.  
He didn't care whether they thought he was rude.  
He didn't care.  
He just... _Didn't care_.

 

And so he spent the days at school hidden behind his headphones. Sketching, scribbling, coming up with concepts inspired by his favorite music, texting others.  
Really, typed conversations somehow became his preferred conversations. He couldn't really explain it, but somehow they didn't make him nervous and he didn't feel the pressure to react quickly.  
Though they were limited down to two persons: his roommate Chanyeol, a perpetually bored chemistry student and Jongin, his best friend.  
He and Jongin used to hang out every day to the point that they thought about moving in together. But Jongin decided to move to another city in order to study veterinary medicine while Kyungsoo went to the local art school. Well, best friends would always stay best friends, no matter the location and even though the number of their yearly visits had been severely cut down this year there was no doubt about their friendship.  
Surely Kyungsoo used to have more active chats. After all, he had always been the type to make international friendships based on mutual interests for language, art and literature. But at one point he stopped answering them. Postponed it for a few days, few weeks, few months until it became awkward to text them, causing him in turn to draw it out even more.  
So in the end, he just stopped.

 

It had been going on like this for what, a few months?  
Kyungsoo wasn't even too sure himself. But christmas was approaching and he wasn't looking forward to visiting his family. Keeping up his reputation of an exemplary child that effortlessly mastered the 'useless' study branch of art and smiling all the time at his bitchy stepfather who's constantly waiting for a chance to metaphorically throw him under the bus wasn't exactly an exciting prospect.  
Damn him and his childish antics and insecurities. Even if he were to sever any connection between him and his mother it wouldn't affect the chances he had with her.  
Once again: not that he cared much since his mother was obviously old enough to handle herself and wouldn't listen anyway. Why wasting energy and provoking a big drama when all he wanted was to be left alone.

With a sigh he rubbed his temples. For some reason he had been prone to headaches lately.  
But there was no time for his usual flagging, since Jongin would come over to visit him in a few hours, staying for the first week of his christmas vacations.  
With a sigh his gaze wandered over the mess that was his room. And probably the kitchen too, since Chanyeol had been too busy lately.  
He had to clean up... But he was so damn tired.  
A look at his phone told him that he had another three hours left to clean, take a shower and go grocery shopping. Plenty of time.  
So he decided to take a quick nap, just half an hour long.

Half an hour turned into one and a half hour. When Kyungsoo returned to his shared flat with a grinning Jongin in tow who kept swinging his luggage back and forth his hair was still damp from the late shower. The mess had only been cleaned in a hasty and superficial manner and they had to go shopping together.  
But Jongin didn't mind and happily chose the ingredients for their pizza together with Kyungsoo. And even though Kyungsoo was still a little tired on the inside it was easy to follow along and Jongin's laugh quickly infected him as a bit of his energy rubbed off on him.

As scheduled  Jongin stayed for a whole week and even though Kyungsoo should probably do some work for his studies he couldn't find it in himself to be motivated enough. Instead he lazed around with Jongin playing video games, watching movies or just talking a little. Not that there was much to tell since Kyungsoo hadn't actually been doing anything the past weeks. He had told Jongin that he was a little tired right at the second day and never failed to apologize for it throughout the week. He only dismissed it with a patient smile.

"I understand that your studies are exhausting, don't sweat it."  
_I don't think it's my studies_ , Kyungsoo thought.

Even if Jongin was around Kyungsoo still felt drained. Unlike the others, Jongin was worth the effort though and so he gave his best trying to make their time worthwhile. Still, whenever they had a conversation Kyungsoo felt fuzzy and detached, causing his answers to lack the usual wit and coming out rather disinterested.  
And this was what scared Kyungsoo.  
That maybe he didn't even have enough interest left for his best friend.  
It scared him greatly.  
And so he kept trying.

 

It was the day before Jongin's return. A frosty but sunny afternoon, perfectly inviting to step out and get active before the weather could change its mind. Kyungsoo lay in bed, fully clothed and loosely covered by several blankets, with his head snuggled into his cushions. It was a good opportunity. Jongin had went out to meet his relatives and he didn't feel like working. With the brunette around he hardly had the chance to take a nap whenever he was tired. Though he felt bad for wishing in a corner of his mind that he had a little more alone time just so he could waste it.  
Wasn't his friend supposed to be more important to him?  
  
Anyway, he would just get up in an hour and then there were two more hours left until Jongin returned so it was no big deal. He wouldn't even notice it.  
Of course it was ridiculous trying to hide it(what exactly was he hiding in the first place?), but the guilt forced him to act accordingly.  
Or at least it forced him to think.  
Not that Kyungsoo could think properly anymore; it was hard enough to follow a string of complex thoughts nowadays. Sometimes he felt like his brain was a huge aquarium with every single thought flitting away like a school of tiny fishes.  
With this thought in mind he drifted off.  
Colorful, tiny fishes.  
  
It hadn't always been like this, right? People used to tell him that he was a smart one, always able to remember surprising details or make witty puns.  
Now he was just boring.  
It was weird to notice something inside of you change. Somehow he felt like he wasn't in control of himself anymore when at the same time he knew that it was his own decision to avoid everyone.  
But still... Kyungsoo scrunched his brows together and buried himself deeper in the cushion, vainly trying to get rid of the frustrated feeling.  
He needed to pull himself together. Become the happy and lively Kyungsoo who faced his chaotic little life with a laugh. Hadn't he been strong once?  
Alright. Now he felt a little unsettled and fidgety inside. That was no good, he had wanted to sleep for an hour. He had to, he was exhausted after all. Just the thought of getting up earlier than planned made his insides cramp up in reluctance. _No, no, no_. He had to sleep first.  
He needed to rest to be prepared and properly awake when Jongin arrived later.  
Jongin could not under any circumstances think that Kyungsoo wasn't appreciating him.  
Because he did.

The alarm went off and he activated the snooze mode without thinking much into it.  
It went off again. Snooze mode again.  
Again. And Kyungsoo finally re-set the time to half an hour later. the blankets were so comfortably warm, just a little more.  
The alarm went off. It was blearily set to another half an hour later.  
It felt so good to sleep. Nothing to do, just sinking into the pleasant world of darkness.  
Though it had been a long time since he had actually had a dream.  
Even though he slept so much. So frustrating. He used to have so many vivid and lucid dreams where he explored the inside of his subconscious, keeping himself in check and pushing the boundaries of his dreams in perpetual checks with his ability to concentrate on altering them to his likes. Kyungsoo had hardly known the concept of nightmares.  
Well, now the dreams were obviously gone for the moment.

 

When he woke up, the natural light had faded into the artificial one of his big screen that sent silent flickers along his wall.  
Oh. Jongin had seemingly returned after all.  
Well, he was probably gaming with headphones. Now he really had to get up, they had wanted to cook hot pot after all, right?  
Trying to blink the sleep out of his burning eyes he rolled to the side... only to bump into someone. Flinching away in surprise he realized that it was Jongin, curled together under the remaining blankets. The touch made him stir and for some reason Kyungsoo felt awkward.  
Usually Jongin would sleep at the far end of his bed, always one to sleep close to the wall. This was a little new and he couldn't deny that the brunette looked very beautiful when asleep. It took the boyish edge away and turned him into the young man he had grown to be.  
Jongin groaned quietly and Kyungsoo scooted away a little so as not to give off a weird vibe.  
"...Soo?" he murmured with his eyes still closed.  
"Mh?" said one shakily hummed back, trying to seem nonchalant. Why was he being so nervous? Because of the close proximity? The guilt at him letting down his best friend once more? The intense once over he had given him? The-  
"Go back to sleep..." he yawned with his eyebrows scrunched together in reluctance and the words barely coming out right with him unwilling to properly open his mouth.  
Despite it all, Kyungsoo smiled a little. Jongin had always been such a lazy morning person. Though it wasn't exactly morning.  
And Kyungsoo wasn't any different anymore.  
So he just lay down again and waited for the adrenaline to slowly fade away and make room for the cozy blanket of sleep.  
He only hesitated for a second before throwing the thickest blanket over Jongin as well who sighed in contempt.  
The minutes ticked by with the steady sounds of breathing coming from Jongin to his left while Kyungsoo was lying on his back, trying not to stare at him.  
But whenever he closed his eyes he could practically feel the other's body warmth radiating off of him and finally he shifted a little and let his eyes wander over his face. In the flickering room his features were only occasionally highlighted by whatever action was taking place but Kyungsoo knew his face by heart and didn't need proper lighting. A part of him was on edge, always expecting him to suddenly open his eyes, revealing that he hadn't been asleep at all. But Jongin had his eyes closed and only twitched a little once in a while from whatever dream he was probably having. It was a little endearing.  
Kyungsoo really wished he could fall asleep that easily.  
  
Suddenly Jongin's breath hitched, only for a split-second moment, and his grip audibly tightened on the blanket, wherever his hands were buried.  
In fear of getting caught he instantly closed his eyes but Jongin didn't make an attempt to open his eyes. Still, his breathing became a little more irregular and when Kyungsoo dared to take another peek his expression was strained and it almost seemed like he was in pain. Sudden sharp intakes of breath were followed by a slight rustling of the blanket as he curled into himself a little. That was odd. Jongin never slept like this, preferring to take up a lot of space with his rather long limbs.  
Was he having a nightmare...?  
Another shivering motion went through his whole body and his breathing got a little more frantic, his inhales a little deeper but still cut off weirdly.  
"Jongin...?" Kyungsoo whispered in worry as he carefully reached out to place a hand on his shoulder. At the touch the brunette only flinched harder and his eyes flew open, big brown orbs staring at him in utter shock that was mirrored in Kyungsoo's own eyes. The light was very dim that moment but he swore that his best friend's eyes had been wet.  
Jongin swallowed and closed his eyes, but didn't say a thing as the trembles seemed to ebb down.  
He was obviously shaken and it infected Kyungsoo.  
Jongin had never looked so... vulnerable and helpless.  
Unsurely he sank back into the blankets as not to alarm him any further. Would it be weird to embrace him? He observed him biting his plump lip in an effort to finally calm down.  
Very slowly Kyungsoo reached out and let the fingers of his right hand lightly brush against his shoulder in order not to startle him. The skin beneath the fabric was tense and still trembling. After a few minuscule rubbed circles he tugged the blanket higher and covered his shoulders to let his hands wander into his hair. The brown curls were a little sweaty but Kyungsoo didn't mind even a tiny bit as he let the pads of his fingers pet it and carefully comb through the strands. He knew from experience that it was something he enjoyed and it also seemed to help Jongin calm down who immediately leaned into the touch. The strained breathing turned into more and more steady exhales sighed into the silence of his room.  
Kyungsoo had lost any feeling of time by the time Jongin was showing no more signs of discomfort. It could have been five minutes, or ten. Or twenty. It didn't really matter as long as he was feeling better and even though he didn't want to stop petting his hair it was getting awkward and he was getting tired.  
  
"Sorry." Jongin suddenly mumbled without showing signs of moving away from his touch.  
"Nightmare."  
Kyungsoo only hummed and pulled away his hand only for Jongin to suddenly grab it and let go of it again as if he had been burned. The brunette had acted out of instinct and feeling bad for his friend he inched a little closer to him to symbolize he was still there.  
Jongin also shuffled closer bit by bit until only a hand's width was separating them.  
At some point during the night Kyungsoo blearily felt Jongin's nose snuggling against his arm and he let him.

The next day Jongin barely even mentioned it and that was more than fine with him. Kyungsoo guessed that the whole affair had been embarrassing for him.  
Not that he himself minded - sure, the closeness was a little different from usual but if that was all it took to make him feel at ease it wasn't even worth bringing it up.  
So he left that day with a smile and Kyungsoo contained his sad sigh until he was in the midst of packing for his short trip home.  
It was true that he had secretly been yearning for a little more privacy, but now that he had it he felt empty already. The positive feeling of being around his best friend was probably very much worth the inconveniences after all.

  
 

* * *

  
 

Christmas didn't exactly exceed his already low expectations but he found that tightly grasping the fabric of the warm hoodie Jongin had presented him with and fiddling with the simple metal bracelet Chanyeol had given him earlier that day made it all more bearable.  
He was still crying himself to sleep that night while his parents continued the drunken fighting without him. The guest room was unfamiliar and cold due to it never being used. If only they could have chosen his mothers' home to celebrate.  
And while he was lying on the thin mattress spread out on the floor and still refusing to get out of the soft hoodie he wondered whether Jongin was sleeping well. Hopefully he wasn't plagued by nightmares anymore...  
Turned out that he was still awake.

[1:04] By Jongin:  
Hey to you too~  
Thanks again for the present - let's watch them together, aight?  
How's it going on your end?

With a sniff Kyungsoo rearranged himself under the blanket and began to type.

[1:05] To Jongin:  
You're welcome - it's gonna be the most awesome superheroes-movie-night!  
Well, it's shitty. No surprise.  
They've been drinking for hours and that bastard was really showing off his douche-behavior today even more so than usual.  
It's almost amazing how he can still manage to be even more of an asshole with every passing day.

[1:05] By Jongin:  
Did something happen in particular?

[1:05] To Jongin:  
Ah, it was just everything same old same old I guess  
    Sorry, I don't wanna ruin your Christmas celebration... We can talk later if you want.

[1:06] By Jongin:  
Nonsense. The dinner party has been over long ago and I'm comfortable in my bed atm  
No snow but fuck if it isn't COLD.

[1:06] To Jongin:  
So true. I'm freezing my ass off in this stupid broom closet  
    It's the worst excuse for a guest room ever  
[1:08]  
Anyway, so there's not a lot to tell.  
    As I said, this guy makes me wanna puke as soon as he opens his mouth.  
    A few hours ago he drunkenly insisted on that one stupid song from the radio...  
    You know, that one about someone who died? Yeah, he INSISTED on listening to it with all the  
    aggressive bitching they're both so good at. Mom kept asking for him to skip it since that close friend  
    of hers has recently died in her presence, you remember? That old man?  
    Sooo... Yeah. She was almost crying. What a great christmas-mood, I was deeply touched.

[1:09] By Jongin:  
Wtf!  
    I mean what the FUCK is wrong with him?  
    Why would he do that?

[1:09] To Jongin:  
Because he's a bastard? What do I know?  
    I stopped caring mid-dinner when she proclaimed that we should all agree on  
    including him in our family

[1:10] By Jongin:  
What did your sisters say to that?

[1:10] To Jongin:  
Eunmi glared daggers at them and Minju looked pretty miserable

[1:10] By Jongin:  
Understandable. How old are they rn?

[1:10] By Jongin:  
Eunmi's 17 and Minju's 10  
    I feel so bad for Minju  
    Since she still lives here you know?

[1:11] By Jongin:  
Yeah...

[1:11] To Jongin:  
I had just been feeling like shit all day - I wasn't in the mood for all this bullshit  
    You need a clown to save everyone from awkward situations? It sure isn't me today  
[1:12]  
I'm so sick of being the joke of this family  
    Also  
    You know...

[1:13] By Jongin:  
?

Kyungsoo hesitated but his fingers were shaky and he felt cold and tense and overall horrible.  
Blinking the hot tears away he continued typing.

[1:18] By Jongin:  
I've been feeling so bad lately. Like, every day  
    Every single day  
    I just feel like I'm too tired to do anything. And then I feel bad about, well. Not DOING anything.  
    It's so hard to describe, you probably think I'm retarded  
    But it has become so difficult to focus on things... And I feel so detached from all those idiots around  
    me at school  
    I know they're all talking about me, but I just don't wanna have anything to do with them, you know?  
    I'm done with this whole social bullshit with all the pretense and whatnot  
    It's just not worth it. But you see, I haven't been talking to ANYone lately... I haven't answered any texts  
    in months, just... I feel so weird  
    Sorry I'm rambling

[1:19] By Jongin:  
No  
    Don't apologize for that  
    It sounds a little strange, not retarded  
    Like... Did something happen?

[1:19] To Jongin:  
No!  
    Nothing. Nothing at all. I don't even know how this could've happened...  
    It just won't go away anymore and in a few months I'll graduate and I should be working on my paper,  
    but at this rate I can't do it

[1:20] By Jongin:  
I see what you mean.  
    Do you think you're sick?

Once more, Kyungsoo froze and stared at the black letters. Sick.  
It was a frightening thought that had been plaguing him for a long time already.  
What if he was imagining to have some sickness? Like those people who drown in melancholy because they crave attention?

[1:25] To Jongin:  
Sick... You think so?  
    I don't know

[1:25] By Jongin:  
Maybe the stress you've accumulated is influencing you subconsciously?

Was this a nice way of calling it depressions?  
He somehow felt panicky at the guess.

[1:26] To Jongin:  
No  
    No I don't think that's it  
    It's not like I'd want to die or something like that. It's not that drastic. I'm just being a little down atm

[1:26] By Jongin:  
So what exactly pulls you down?

[1:28] To Jongin:  
I don't know, everything?  
    I'm just pretty disappointed in myself currently. I dislike the people around me. I don't feel like doing  
    useless work and I'm not sure whether I still wanna go overseas after this...

[1:29] By Jongin:  
Wasn't this your dream for the past years?

[1:31] To Jongin:  
Then there's this thing with my mom and her alcohol habits and I should really find a part-time job to  
    support myself and my sis a bit and somehow I really wanna be in a relationship...  
    Yeah, I don't know anymore...

[1:35] By Jongin:  
But... All those things aren't exactly new, right? It didn't seem to bother you before that you're single...?

[1:37] To Jongin:  
I know...  
    I don't understand it either.  
    Maybe I should just go to sleep.

[1:37] By Jongin:  
Yeah, it's pretty late.  
    But promise me you'll pay a visit to the doctor?

[1:38] To Jongin:  
Mh...

[1:40] By Jongin:  
Don't gimme that attitude - Come on Soo, it won't hurt to get a check-up.

[1:45] To Jongin:  
I guess...

[1:45] By Jongin:  
And you're generally good at guessing. We can go together if you like.

[1:46] To Jongin:  
I'm not a baby anymore Kim Jongin.

[1:46] By Jongin:  
Course you aren't  ;D

When Kyungsoo finally put away his phone and turned to sleep(with his headphones plugged in so he wouldn't hear the quarreling downstairs) he felt tired from being all emotional. Surely he would regret his outburst tomorrow but for now he was grateful that Jongin had been so nice about it all.  
He could feel that his best friend genuinely wanted to help him even though he was at a loss himself. At least he didn't straight-out tell him that he was imagining things. After all, he heard that enough by the tiny voices in his head.

  
 

* * *

  
  
"Hey..." Suho quietly whispered as Kyungsoo slipped into his seat mid-lecture, trying hard not to attract too much attention.  
"Hey."  
"How did it go?"  
Kyungsoo only shrugged his shoulders.  
"Nothing happened so far, just a few blood samples."  
"Oh, alright..."  
Suho trailed off questioningly but he had already put in one of his earplugs and was half-heartedly copying things from the board.  
He didn't feel like talking about it.  
It had only been three days since the lectures had started again and Kyungsoo already felt sick of them. In fact, he had felt miserable the whole Sunday at the thought of having to get up early the next day. He didn't want to study or be around anyone in particular. But being the boring good boy he was he had still crawled out of bed and forced himself to go, looking as sluggish as he felt on the inside.  
  
Now it already felt as if this had happened at least two weeks ago. At least he had gotten his appointment in a considerable short amount of time. Kyungsoo sighed inaudibly as he watched the pen in his weak grasp swirl along the paper aimlessly.  
The doctor had been very friendly. It had still been somewhat of a nightmare for him.  
Getting up early and trying not to look like a tramp for once was one thing.  
But the incredibly long time of waiting had Kyungsoo's mind gnawing at itself relentlessly and left him to endlessly repeat the symptoms in his head while at the same time questioning himself whether his appointment was even justified.  
And when the doctor had finally entered and with an encouraging smile asked him about his symptoms, he had experienced a complete black-out.  
The faint swirls were aggressively crossed out.  
  
He was such an idiot. Why didn't he describe it better?  
Why had he instead looked at her dumb-strucken as if the question came totally unexpected?  
Stammering something about having depressive mood swings, an alarming hair loss and feeling very tired. As soon as he said it he had already felt stupid and while the doctor only patiently asked him whether he would also say he suffered from anxiety and headaches(which he had both agreed to), Kyungsoo had already shut off in a way and was already wistfully thinking back to his bed.  
Just leaving this place, reluctantly sitting through his lectures and going to bed.  
That had sounded nice.  
And it still did, he thought as he rubbed his eyes while the bell announced their ten-minute break and Suho left to god knew where.  
Without thinking much into it he wiped a stray lost hair off the table.

 _"Would you say you're suffering from stress? A lot of work, personal problems, anything?"_  
    _"I... Uhm. I don't think so. Nothing out of the ordinary."_

Well, Kyungsoo was kinda stressed, but really, it was nothing new and he had never been one to show any symptoms at the sign of pressure.  
_So maybe now you do_.  
He shook his head a little and blinked.  
_It's not all in my head. It's not._  
The people around him were loud and buzzing around. He felt their eyes burning into his back and instinctively leaned against the wall next to him, pulling his hoodie a little around himself. His hair was probably looking greasy since he didn't dare wash it every day anymore due to the hair loss.  
Also his skin had been acting up and unlike he used to during the first term he hadn't even bothered to cover up the dark circles under his eyes. His worn-out and misfitting outfits only added to him looking like a slob.  
_Please don't let them approach me.  
I don't want to talk. Leave me, please._  
How could they be so obnoxiously loud and laugh that much?  
Why would you even bother to fit in with all these people you'd never meet again after graduation?  
_Because you're scared that no one's gonna help you if you need it. Cause you're selfish and you can't do it alone._  
And after graduation it would all start from scratch when he entered a company.  
A never-ending cycle of trying to fit in and playing the social game everyone was playing.  
He hadn't always been so pessimistic, right?  
Kyungsoo rubbed his aching temples discreetly. He used to be able to fade out these facts when interacting, indulging himself in a comfortable surrounding.  
Now he felt everything but comfortable. For some irrational reason he felt pressured and tense.  
And most of all fragile.  
As if someone talking to him or -even worse- touching him would cause everything to go down. The more seconds passed with no one talking to him the anticipation made him increasingly weary.  
  
Lowering his gaze he raised the volume of his music, one hand still tightly between his black strands. So many people.  
He didn't want to talk.  
They shouldn't stare at him, either.  
He just wanted to be somewhere else. The heavy feeling in his stomach clogged up his throat and the more he tried to pull himself together, the more painful his headache got.  
_You're losing. You're losing against your own imaginary sickness.  
Are you that desperate for the misery?_  
_No, no, no_. Kyungsoo didn't **want** to feel miserable. It wasn't in his nature. There was still the hair loss, you couldn't imagine that one-  
_Just admit it, you're lazy.  
You just don't wanna deal with your problems and this is your way of running away._  
Well, maybe it was. Maybe he **was** running away.  
The thought send another wave of pain through his head and he forcefully pinched his forehead. Doesn't everyone want to delay his problems?  
But... There were some symptoms he couldn't be imagining, right?  
What was it again? Not only the hair, there was something else-  
  
A sudden thud of a girl accidentally pulling over her chair made him flinch.  
Too many people here.  
They might realize something was wrong with him.  
_You're not exactly hiding it, are you?_  
If they noticed, they might ask him about it. He really needed to go.  
The attendance was meticulously kept track of but fuck it, he was sick. At least he felt sick.  
_It's not justified. You're not gonna get a proper certificate.  
If you go now, you lose._  
Suho would come back any moment, class would start any moment. This was his last chance.  
Hastily Kyungsoo stuffed all the sheets into one folder without a care for the wrinkles he caused, stashed away his pencils with shaky fingers and threw everything in the tote bag that had always been a poor excuse for a book bag.  
Without making eye contact he mumbled a barely audible 'sorry' as he squeezed himself through the rows and, with quick steps, _fled_.

 

The way home was filled with regrets and a sense of dizziness.  
He wasn't sure whether he wanted to stroll home slowly with his lids fluttering shut for split-seconds or just hurry along so he could finally get inside the confines of his room.  
When he was curled together under his blanket in nothing but his underwear he felt his breathing calm down but the misery stayed.  
_I feel so weird. Why am I being like this?  
Am I exaggerating?_  
With a groan he pressed a hand to his head, willing the pain to go away in what was obviously a useless attempt. He used to have a good overview over himself, or at least that's what he had thought. Now he felt like he was losing control more and more.  
_Maybe that's what you get for over-analyzing yourself. You thought you were so smart and had it all figured out when in reality you're more clueless than anyone._  
Kyungsoo was also completely aware of the fact that his head was a jumbled mess.  
He should set up an alarm clock but oh, he didn't care. He would just sleep until his nerves had calmed down.  
 

 **22:03.**  
And Kyungsoo didn't feel (very) remorseful. What he did feel though, was the hunger.  
Vaguely remembering that he hadn't eaten a thing since the chocolate bars that morning he carelessly threw on a shirt. It was kinda inside out but once again, he didn't care at all as he padded into their living room slash kitchen and turned on the light...  
...to find a sheepish-looking Jongin who rapidly sat up on their couch, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.  
  
"Fuck, you almost gave me a heart-attack Jongin!"  
"Sorryyyy..." he mumbled while rubbing his neck.  
"What are you doing here? I mean. Since when...?"  
"Chanyeol let me in earlier. Sorry. I just wanted to a-ask you a favor but you were sleeping, so..."  
Now this was ridiculously suspicious but Kyungsoo had just rolled out of bed and his mind was fuzzy and he was hungry.  
"Kay? So... I'm making some food, you want some?"  
His stomach didn't growl but the hopeful spark in his brown orbs as he bit his lips in hesitation made him smile.  
"Since when are you trying to be modest, silly." he said while turning to the stove and getting out whatever clean supplies he could find.

About fifteen minutes later they had both settled in Kyungsoo's room around the low table(fortunately Jongin didn't mind the mess around them).  
Two generous spoons of noodles with fried bacon and tomato sauce later Jongin was already moaning in delight.  
"It's so good! How can you cook something so heavenly this quickly?!"  
Kyungsoo snorted even though the compliment still made him happy.  
"It's really nothing awesome. It's just that you couldn't cook to save your life."  
The next minutes were spent with them trying not to pig down the food too desperately and Kyungsoo felt good.  
He felt at ease.  
His life was still miserable and he did feel bad for all the mess around them but Jongin... He wasn't afraid of Jongin seeing him like this. Neither was he concerned that his best friend might judge him and be disgusted. He _was_ afraid of him being disappointed but right now he seemed more than content with his noodles.  
When the initial hunger was sated, Jongin looked up while ungracefully licking away at the sauce smeared around his lips.  
  
"So, are you feeling alright?"  
Without even contemplating the question he nodded his head vaguely while picking up another spoon full. It wasn't actually a lie.  
By now he felt had calmed down sufficiently, though he felt heavily drained; as if he had done nothing but crying the past hours. Which of course he hadn't.  
For a second he was closely scrutinized before his eyes flitted back to the food.  
"Sounds good. Lets see what the doctor's gonna say to this."  
"Hmhm...", he replied noncommittally before breaking down the obvious subject hanging in the air, "So why are you here? It's quite a trip to this city, isn't it? Aren't you taking lectures and the likes?"  
The veterinary medicine student of the third semester gave him a vague shrug.  
"Not really. You know how we have to do an internship? Well, here I am. Sorta."  
Kyungsoo looked at him with narrowed eyes while thinking.  
"Really? I thought... Didn't you already have a place somewhere... Not here?"  
No matter how hard he tried to concentrate, the name of his former placement didn't come to mind.  
"Yeah, but... They canceled my spot, last minute. And I had to find something new real quick. I found a placement at a vet around here. Its more in the southern district, but I figured before finding a hostel or something like that... I could ask you...?" he hesitatingly explained, trailing off into a careful question.  
Kyungsoo stared.  
"I'm sorry, it's too much, right? I can pay rent, you know-"  
" _Kim Jongin_. Don't be ridiculous." he sharply cut him off and the kicked-puppy-eyes he got in reply were devastatingly convincing.  
He sighed.  
"Don't be stupid, you know you can always stay here. I'll ask Chanyeol but I don't think he'll mind-"  
"He doesn't, I already asked him."  
He lifted an eyebrow in suspicion.  
"Oh? Alright then, I guess. But-", at this point he hesitated, "-you're not... doing this because you wanna keep track of me, right? Since you're worried or something?"  
Jongin shot him the most earnest expression he had seen on him in a long time.

"No, that's not it. It has nothing to do with your sickness, I swear."

  
 

* * *

  
  
Living with Jongin was in itself a pleasant experience. Who wouldn't want to live together with his best friend of so many years? On the one hand he had to clean up a bit(he couldn't expect Jongin to live with this mess, after all), but on the other his friend didn't mind them lazying around. There was no pressure at all.  
When Kyungsoo experienced a setback like the day Jongin had arrived and he felt like doing nothing for two days straight, it was totally fine with him. Be it the two cheap packs of instant ramen for dinner or him going to bed at ridiculous times of the day - it was no big deal at all.  
The brunette never failed to listen to his complains whenever his mind was acting up but didn't bug him too much about doing things out of his comfort zone(which included doing anything, really).  
  
Still, no matter how incapacitated and fuzzy Kyungsoo might have been feeling, he couldn't shake off the suspicions that there was something off about Jongin.  
It wasn't something that was noticeable all the time.  
But for some reason the nightmare incident came back to his mind when Jongin one day suddenly had to sit down due to fatigue and it took him almost ten minutes to collect himself.  
Or that one time at the supermarket when Kyungsoo had (once more) resigned himself to instant noodles and just when they were about to pay, Jongin had suddenly all but clawed at his sleeves, asking him whether they couldn't actually cook that day after all.  
A little perplex, Kyungsoo obliged and they returned to find something easy to cook with a terribly tense boy hanging off his arm.  
  
It happened so rarely that he had almost completely forgotten about it whenever it did occur.  
Of course he had asked him whether he was feeling unwell. But when he got nothing but a hum in response, Kyungsoo didn't try it any further.  
Jongin would surely tell him at some point, right?  
It didn't feel nice to be kept in the dark like that, but there was nothing he could do about it.  
Besides, he thought while looking at his best friend's animated expression during gaming with him, Jongin seemed to feel just fine.

"Soo, what are you doing? You're totally losing!"  
"Huh? Oh, yeah, damn-"  
Blinking the sleepiness away he turned to the screen though Jongin had already gotten a lead he would never be able to outrace.  
In the last second, however, Jongin's virtual character got hit by a blue shell and one of the Npc's snatched away the first place.  
"Nooo!" he whined in protest as he threw himself into Kyungsoo's side who flinched a little.  
If he had noticed it he chose to ignore the reaction and only lazily rubbed his face into the shorter one's shoulder. Kyungsoo just wasn't the type to initiate skinship and even though he had been friends with Jongin for years they had never been like that. It kinda tripped him up since he didn't know how to interpret it.  
Sure, he had always known that Jongin only liked boys and so maybe that was the reason he had always stayed clear of skinship - in order not to scare Kyungsoo away(who, in turn, had always reassured him that the fact that he was homosexual didn't make him uncomfortable at all).  
So what was the sudden change about?  
Kyungsoo didn't dare to be preposterous enough to think Jongin might like him in a non-friendly way. So why did these touches make him feel so... weird?  
Completely undeterred the brunette continued to snuggle into the crook of his neck and Kyungsoo blankly stared ahead at the colorfully flickering screen, not daring to move.  
When Jongin nosed along his neck area, he twitched and carefully shifted away from the touch.  
"Ah, wait- Uhm..."  
When he watched Jongin flinch back and cower a little, he immediately felt bad about it.  
"Uh, sorry. Let's... let's play another round? M-maybe you'll make first then!"  
God, this was awkward.  
Jongin hummed with a half-hearted grin and they picked up the controller again.  
  
They didn't talk a lot during the race besides Kyungsoo's horribly awkward tries at sparking a conversation that remained unanswered.  
Even though he didn't downright stare at him like before he paid close attention to his tense friend, whose virtual character kept getting out of lane and the more the game went on, the sloppier his driving got which was surprising, considering the passion Jongin had for any kind of game.  
They both ended up with horrible scores and before Kyungsoo could attempt another conversation, Jongin suddenly got up and harshly ripped his jacket off the chair.  
"Jongin, wait, look-"  
But his friend had already left his room and closed the door. If Kyungsoo had jumped to his feet in that exact moment he might have had the approximately five more seconds Jongin needed to slip into his sneakers to talk to him.  
Instead he heard the door closing quietly and Jongin was gone.  
  
Once again, he was overcome by instant regrets.  
Why hadn't he run after him? Should he text him now?  
He probably went with a reason, so he should probably give him time, right?  
Kyungsoo clawed at the blanket beneath him as the heavy feeling of guilt settled on his insides.  
Justified guilt. He had pushed Jongin away.  
Even though he clearly knew how self-conscious the other was regarding his sexuality. It had probably not even been a big deal until Kyungsoo turned it into one.  
_What a great friend you are.  
Seems like your talk about how you accept him was bullshit after all._  
_No, it was not_. Kyungsoo tightly embraced his arms, attempting to somehow press down against the inner tension to shut his thoughts up.  
_Hypocrite. Deep inside you're scared of him. Are you disgusted?_  
_NO_ , he internally screamed while ruffling his hair. He would never be disgusted of him, never!  
But now Jongin got it all wrong and went away and Kyungsoo had ruined it all.  
He had finally driven away that one person who had never gotten tired of holding on to him.  
And the realization hurt.  
Maybe, if he hadn't reacted so strongly in the first place... It was so depressing. There he went, finally doing something besides lingering around, not to mention such a tiny action and he messed up so greatly.  
Maybe he shouldn't do anything anymore- no. _No_ , he corrected himself harshly, if he had done a bit more, Jongin might still be here.  
He would come back, right?  
_Probably to get his things._  
He didn't want him to leave. It was probably selfish, but Jongin was all he had.  
He was his best friend, his anchor... but it wasn't only that, a tiny voice inside his head protested against the swarm of buzzing nonsense. He had hurt Jongin and if there was anyone not deserving to get hurt it was him.  
Righting your mistakes was a pain, but Jongin was worth all of it and more.  
Heck, he probably deserved a better friend than him, who supported him in a better way.  
But what could he do, besides apologizing? And when would Jongin come back?  
Wiping a few stray tears he looked at his phone. 16:45. Alright, he would wait for Jongin and he most definitely couldn't fall asleep.  
What if he missed him?  
What if he was too angry to talk to him?  
And so Kyungsoo once again pulled the blanket over his shoulders, trying to prevent his mind from eating him up alive as the minutes ticked by.

  
When the door softly clicked about three hours later, Kyungsoo immediately rose from his half-hearted dozing and sat up rapidly, rubbing the sleep and dried tears from his eyes.  
He heard the footsteps pause in front of his door and held his breath.  
After what felt like a minute the door finally opened and the sight of his friend made his heart clench in anxiety.  
"H-hey..." he stammered, his voice still laced with sleep and exhaustion.  
Jongin only gave him a curt nod and awkwardly rubbed his neck.  
He didn't know what to say but Jongin was right before him. And if he stayed silent, he might leave. Spurred on by this thought he shuffled to his feet even though he didn't step into his personal space.  
  
"Jongin, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." he quietly said, desperately trying to sound as genuine and earnest as he felt while searching his eyes. Jongin swallowed once and answered his gaze with a remorseful one.  
"It's... ok." he slowly replied with a soft voice.  
Suddenly Kyungsoo felt like he was the younger of the two for the first time.  
"I understand if you don't want me around anymore... I can leave."  
"No-"  
Now the panic stirred again and Kyungsoo took a step towards him, but stopped himself.  
The hesitation sent a flicker of hurt through Jongin's expression that he didn't miss.  
Jongin smiled a tiny, bitter smile that he had never seen on his friend's face before.  
"No, really, it's alright. I'm making you uncomfortable, so I'd better-"  
"You're not, I'm not feeling uncomfortable-" Kyungsoo lied but Jongin suddenly got loud as he cut him off.  
"Maybe you SHOULD have felt uncomfortable! Because...", he trailed off, suddenly losing the vigor in his voice, "-because... i-it was _meant_ to make you uncomfortable, okay?"  
Kyungsoo stared at him with wide eyes. Did he mean...?  
Jongin lifted one hand to cover his eyes but Kyungsoo still saw him closing them tightly as he bit his lip.  
"Look. Kyungsoo. I'm- I'm sorry. I know you don't swing this way, I know you don't want this, I _know_ I'm supposed to support you and I just... messed up. ...I don't really know what to do now, it's so awkward and if you want me to leave and-"  
He didn't finish the sentence since the air was knocked out of his lungs when the shorter but surprisingly strong Kyungsoo forced him into a tight embrace.  
"Stop. Don't talk like you're disgusting. You're not. I don't want you to leave. That is, I don't want to force you either, but... Please don't leave." he trailed off into a whisper and at this he finally felt hesitant arms return the embrace.  
"I still want to apologize. I've been behaving like a jerk."  
Instead of saying something, Jongin only shook his head vigorously and tightened his arms.  
It should be very awkward but they both held onto each other with Kyungsoo thinking about what to do now. Even now the fatigue was nipping at his thoughts but he just took his time, keeping his head buried into the crook of his neck and inhaling the distinct scent of Jongin mixed with that of rain and his shampoo.  
"Okay..." he mumbled quietly.  
"Okay..." Jongin whispered in response.  
  
"So... I. Uhm. If, if you don't mind, would you stay here... please?" he quietly said, tripping a little over his words.  
"...Okay." Jongin whispered once more after a long silence of contemplation.  
The next thing was even harder to wrap his mind around but Jongin waited patiently until Kyungsoo finally raised his voice again.  
  
"And... About... About us. I know it's very selfish but I don't really know how I feel about... _this_.", he stammered, hiding his beet-red face in Jongin's neck where he felt the skin tense beneath him, "I-I don't want to t-toy with you or make you suffer, so can you please give me some time? God, I'm such an ass, sorry-"  
"Okay." he whispered a third time and now it was Kyungsoo's time to freeze.  
"Really?" he murmured, and Jongin finally shuffled free to pull the shorter one an arm's distance away where could properly look at him and smiled shakily.  
  
"It is alright. Even though this is so awkward for you... thanks for taking me seriously, Kyungsoo. Thanks for trying so much. I won't let you down."  
And the smile they shot each other was a little awkward but nonetheless genuine and bore a tiny flicker of hope. Hope that everything would turn out alright.

 

* * *

  
  
The following weeks went by with Kyungsoo being slightly awkward and insecure but that was it. He thought it would be worse but seeing as Jongin behaved rather natural it did a great deal to put him at ease. Maybe it made sense since Jongin had been feeling this way for a while now. Also they were friends first and foremost.  
Of course it didn't stop Kyungsoo from constantly thinking about their relationship.  
He wasn't even sure what actually tripped him off more - the idea of being with a man or the idea of being with Jongin. It was difficult to imagine it, especially considering his currently fuzzy mindset.  
There was no escaping the confusing inner battle constantly ongoing in his head. It only added to the mess that he had been fighting against to begin with.  
Everything bore some kind of stress; the countless appointments at the doctor didn't seem to end and they took more and more blood samples, talked to him, x-rayed his lung and throat and even took a CT of his head and stomach. Still, there were no results.  
Whenever Kyungsoo began to doubt the whole thing Jongin would be there to remind him of the blood analysis that had clearly showed some off data.  
He was just glad that the doctor was taking him so seriously and didn't seem willing to give up any time soon.  
Kyungsoo felt like swinging back and forth between the doctor's office and the lecture halls.  
He was still prone to experiencing heavy depressive mood swings like before, but there was also the constant reminder of Jongin added to this thought-routine.  
Whenever he was finally free of lectures he would either slowly leave with curt good-bye's and forced smiles or plainly flee the classroom and avoid eye-contact on his worse days.  
There were days when he felt numb and kinda alright.  
  
Today was no such day though.  
Today was one of those days that had him pressing his hands against the headphones, hoping that the sound would get even louder and out drown his thoughts as he walked home with sluggish steps.  
It was no good though. The volume was already raised as far as it could go and not even a jack-hammer would be able to out drown them.  
He hated all of this.  
The sickness he may or may not have. The way he wasn't able to cope with it.  
Feeling down, feeling hot, feeling nauseous, taking pills against the headache and brushing his hair carefully. Those symptoms were all so minor, so why did he react like that?  
Kyungsoo felt so torn.  
Torn between denying his sickness in order to overcome it and stop sinking deeper into it or accepting it so he could learn to handle it.  
His mother kept sending him online tests and seemed convinced he was being in an early state of cancer. Chanyeol kept handling him like he was porcelain. Literally every damn person he knew kept texting him shallow questions about his well-being as if they actually cared. It was all too much and the headache came back as if protesting and trying to force him into resignation.  
Thinking so much and not knowing what to do, then ending up in doing nothing.  
Kyungsoo was mainly disappointed at himself.  
  
He couldn't even make up his fucking mind about Jongin.  
Whenever they would lie in bed, Kyungsoo's mind kept racing and he felt fluttery.  
Which was absolutely ridiculous considering that Jongin and him had slept in the same bed for weeks before this... confession. So why did he only now react this way, considered Jongin's handsome features and all of his tiny little habits that he already knew by heart?  
Was he that much of a jerk to only feel excited at the prospect of being liked?  
Was it pure desperation that made him feel drawn to him all of a sudden?  
And if he couldn't trust his confusing reaction, should he reject him after all?  
And would rejecting him for the simple reason that he was afraid he might not trust his own feelings make it all even more messed up than it already was?  
_Ahh, so confusing_ , he thought and indeed the headache was getting worse and a sudden wave of dizziness sent him stumbling.  
"Woah..." he mumbled and steadied himself at a house wall. He stopped in his tracks until the world stopped spinning and inhaled deeply. It was getting dark and the gloomy sky promised rain.  
He really needed to get home.  
So he put on a happy song and even though it only made him feel more melancholic he eventually took the stairs up to his apartment and entered quickly, not wanting to encounter any neighbors.  
  
A sigh of relief escaped him when the door was finally closed and the semi-darkness of his safe apartment welcomed him.  
But oh, there was a stream of light coming from his room.  
Kyungsoo bit his lip. He didn't feel like communicating with anyone right now, not even Jongin.  
Every time he saw his face he was reminded of the dilemma he had and the decision he should make any time soon. It was a mean thing to think, especially since Jongin was probably suffering far more than him, but Kyungsoo couldn't help it.  
So he went into his room where he carelessly threw his bag into a corner and didn't spare a single glance at Jongin who was playing a game on his phone and looked up at him to greet him, only murmuring an almost inaudible 'hi'. Instead he went straight for his closet, pulled out a pair of pajamas and almost hastily grabbed for a towel before exiting the room again.  
It felt like he was fleeing.  
And it felt horrible.  
  
The water in the shower was so scorching hot that it felt cold again and Kyungsoo relished the feeling of the burning sensation.  
During the day he was prone to sweating or feeling cold but there were no doubts left at this temperature. Kyungsoo still felt miserable and worthless but maybe the hot water could relax his muscles and his mind and calm his turmoil.  
With shaky hands he meticulously washed his hair with shampoo and hair conditioner.  
Not minding his hair loss in the least he vigorously rubbed in the scented liquid.  
There were only so many hairs he could lose in one day, right? Taking his time he wasted lots of shower gel until he realized that he was stalling time.  
He was reluctant to leave the shower and return to his very own room because it had Jongin waiting for him. When had this become a burden?  
Didn't he use to feel at ease around him?  
This was ridiculous.  
Why was he behaving like this?  
Kyungsoo reached for the handle but didn't put out the water for a long time, wasting a lot of hot water Chanyeol wouldn't dare chiding him about.  
  
The thought of his worried roommate's eyes somehow served as a motivation to finally turn it off and step out of the shower. He disliked being handled like something really fragile?  
_Then maybe I should try not to be such a difficult person_ , he thought.  
It was pathetic, but if he had doubts about their relationship he should just flat-out tell Jongin about it. Sure, he could also just go to bed and sleep it off and tell him he had been having a bad day. Jongin would not judge him and that was the reason he was not going to do this.  
  
He quickly threw on his shirt and pants, disregarding the way it clung onto his still rather wet skin and only ruffled his hair a little before he made his way back to the room, the towel still over his shoulders. As soon as he tried to open his door he found it blocked though.  
"Jongin?" he asked in confusion but no movements were heard.  
"Jongin, don't be like this... I'll open the door, okay?" And with this he wrenched the door open, more carefully this time around as the weight shifted reluctantly and he found his best friend on the floor. He was embracing his legs close to his body and had his face buried onto his arms, completely hiding himself from his vision. As soon as Kyungsoo had managed to enter, Jongin had returned to his previous position of leaning his back against the door.  
The sight shocked him and he immediately crouched down next to him, all his worries temporarily forgotten.  
  
"What's... wrong?" he gently asked while Jongin kept trembling slightly.  
He didn't reply and only shook his head a little, sending his curls bouncing.  
With deliberate movements he put a hand on his shoulder but Jongin only flinched away from his touch, shaking his head again.  
"Nothin'." he quietly said but it sounded painful; as if he was barely able to contain himself from breaking down. Now that he sat this close he definitely heard his rapid breathing and the worry increased. So he caressed his shoulder with a little more determination.  
"Jongin, why don't you look at me?"  
Suddenly he was pushed aside as Jongin jumped to his feet and Kyungsoo saw the deja-vu acting out as he reached for his jacket.  
_No, not this time._  
Ripping the door open while avoiding eye-contact Jongin was about to leave when insisting hands grabbed both his upper arms.  
"Jongin, wait-"  
He struggled a little but it was half-hearted as Jongin seemed to currently be his own worst enemy, fighting against the shivers racking his body and Kyungsoo closed the door and forced himself between them to block the door and look up at his face.  
  
And a distant part of his muddy mind realized that in all those years he had never once seen Kim Jongin cry. Screaming and moping, yes. But never had he seen him cry with actual tears running down his cheeks, reddened eyes and that desperate and tired expression.  
His breathing was still ragged and his fingers shook uncontrollably when he grasped Kyungsoo's shoulders so tightly it hurt.  
"S-sorry-" he wheezed out and almost collapsed on the floor, pulling Kyungsoo down with him who pulled him into an embrace without hesitation. It wasn't a tender experience and he was sure his back would be full of scars the way Jongin clawed at him.  
  
"S-s-sorry-", he repeated while digging his nails into Kyungsoo's arms, "P-panic attack - 's gonna be over soon-"  
  
In that moment it finally clicked and Kyungsoo began to understand.  
All those weird incidents, how Jongin avoided him whenever he felt it overcoming him and how he behaved when he was forced through it, desperately trying to hide it from him.  
  
"W...what should I do?" he asked in a small voice, figuring it would be better to just be honest and admit to being clueless.  
Once again Jongin merely shook his head and buried his face into Kyungsoo's damp hair.  
"Nothin' - j-just don't go away-"  
Humming in agreement he carefully lifted his hand to caress his nape and hair, just like the way it had helped during the nightly attack he had had before.  
They didn't say a word and Kyungsoo kept stroking his hair and rubbed his back.  
If it hadn't been for this situation he would have probably been a nervous wreck at this close skinship. But this wasn't the time and he had to be Jongin's anchor, he had to be calm and collected.  
Not unlike the last incidents it took Jongin a while to calm down.  
Gradually his grip on the shorter one loosened, though he would still twitch from time to time and Kyungsoo bit his lips to stop himself from wincing at the pain.  
  
When he had counted thirty seconds of no rapid movements and a sufficiently calmed down breathing, he carefully pried himself away just enough so he could take a look at Jongin's face.  
And when he lost himself in the brown orbs full of raw emotions he acted without thinking and slowly pressed their lips together.  
A simple and gentle press of his lips against Jongin's as he closed his eyes and felt the heat radiating off his skin. His lips were slightly moist from a few stray tears and more plush than his own.  
It was an unfamiliar but not unwelcome sensation to Kyungsoo who had never kissed anyone before.  
For two long seconds he stayed like this before pulling away and unconsciously licked his lips to taste the salt of his tears. His eyes instinctively flitted downwards and he could feel Jongin looking at him, yet not making any move.  
"I... I don't know what I'm doing. S-sorry." he stammered and blushed even more when he realized that this sounded like he was talking about his ability to kiss and not the kiss itself.  
Jongin's hands that had been gripping him so harshly were now very fleetingly sliding along his back.  
  
"Are you... Sure about this?" he asked in an eerily composed voice for someone who had just experienced a panic attack.  
Though Kyungsoo couldn't deny registering the exhausted tone.  
So he took a deep breath and faced the hesitant expression of his friend.  
His best friend.  
Who knew him better than he himself did.  
  
"No.", he said as steady as he could but didn't give Jongin time to resign, "No, I'm not. I... I have absolutely no idea on what to think anymore, and I just, I just suddenly wanted to kiss you, so I did. I don't know whether I can trust the feelings I have or whether I'm allowed to have any in the first place and you most definitely don't deserve to be treated half-heartedly and _argh_. I don't know. I can only assure you that I didn't do it out of pity because that would be such a jerk move, taking advantage of you. And even now I feel a little tired and I'm so scared I might be a disappointment and-"  
"So... Would you be willing to... repeat it? Kissing, I mean."  
Jongin was stuttering, clearly embarrassed and even though his nose was still red and he kept sniffing, his eyes were clear and attentive.  
This shut Kyungsoo's rambling up and he opened and closed his mouth before finally breathing out a "Yeah." and with a short and soundless laugh Jongin leaned in very carefully to return the kiss.

  
 

* * *

  
  
It would take another two months before the doctor would finally be able to locate a dysfunction in his thyroid, causing fatigue, headaches, slight hypothermia, hyperthermia, depressions and a variety of other symptoms.  
Even though they were together it was a rough time nonetheless, for both of them.  
Still Jongin never failed to encourage Kyungsoo to drag himself out of bed in the morning(with questionable means) and Kyungsoo never once missed fetching him after his therapy sessions.  
  
They didn't have an easy start but Kyungsoo was eagerly looking forward to the day his head was clear enough to express his feelings for Jongin with grace.  
He was stubborn like that and giving up just wasn't like him, after all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll apologize for the slow pacing. It's just inevitable when dealing with depressions.  
> The next chapter will deal with Jongin's side of things.  
> Just like "The right answer to the wrong questions" this is one of my very few fics set in real life. Just a story featuring real people and real problems.  
> If it managed to strike any chord at all, I'd be really happy.  
> Feel free to tell me your thoughts.
> 
> Love,  
> Sugar_and_Salt


	2. One answer that counts

Jongin rolled on his back, still staring at the phone screen in expectation.  
It was already dark outside and he contemplated dressing in his pajamas considering that he had already turned off the lights. Or rather, that he had never turned them on in the first place, too engrossed in texting his best friend.  
Who hadn't replied in half an hour now. They had been kind of constantly texting each other throughout the whole day but now he was gone.  
With a sigh he raised his notification volume to the maximum and let the phone sink into the cushions next to him.  
Kyungsoo was probably busy. Maybe he had fallen asleep.  
Nowadays he said it happened from time to time.  
This was no good though.  
Whenever they weren't texting he felt the looming darkness returning in a terrifying wave.  
Whenever they weren't texting he felt the emptiness coming back.  
The yearning. The loneliness. The anxiety.  
The fear.

 

* * *

  
Everything pointed towards time passing by, leisurely but surely.  
The sky was getting darker, winter throwing it's icy winds ahead.  
His semester was nearing it's end and he would soon begin his six month internship.  
His mother went to work every morning.  
Everything should be normal. Fine even.  
Except it wasn't.  
For Jongin, time was running. In a flash things seemed to run through his fingers like water with no chance of stopping the process.  
At the same moment however, time was standing still.  
Or maybe just Jongin himself stood still. He was captured. Captured by what, though?  
Sometimes, in the darkness of his room, he asked himself this question.  
But all the possible answers would only cause him a headache.

Currently the only light in this vast, empty sky was the approaching of his Christmas holidays.  
Then he'd go and visit Kyungsoo for a whole week. It had been about six months since he had last seen him.  
Kyungsoo. His best friend.  
The only light up in the sky. The moon.  
With Kyungsoo, he felt secure. Except at the same he wasn't supposed to feel this way.  
He really wasn't.  
And that's when the headache set in.  
Jongin groaned and buried himself in his blanket, trying not to look out for his phone screen to light up. Trying not to wait and anticipate.  
He failed.

 

* * *

 

Ever since Middle School, it had always been Jongin and Kyungsoo. Quiet but widely accepted Jongin and equally quiet but less popular Kyungsoo.  
They had clicked and soon meeting one without the other was basically unheard of.  
During the first years Kyungsoo would always reassure him whenever it was time for a seating rearrangement.  
'You can also sit with the others, you know? I won't be mad.' Kyungsoo would say.  
'But I don't want to. If you'll have me... Can't I stay here?' Jongin would reply timidly.  
At some point, Kyungsoo stopped asking and nonchalantly occupied the seat next to Jongin without being asked to.  
In High school he confessed that he had always secretly feared Jongin might follow his advise and leave. That time, Jongin had laughed it off and genuinely so. He had other friends, but when it came down to it he preferred Kyungsoo over all of them.  
This had never changed over the years. Even though they were living apart due to their different fields of study - if you asked Jongin who his best friend was, the answer would surely come out before you finished the question.  
  
 _Do Kyungsoo._  
The person he could have fun with, who shared the same interests. Who hadn't judged him when he shakily confessed at the age of fifteen that he might be into boys. Who had reassured him that it was alright, and had curiously discussed his ideal type with him. Who was completely clueless but never shy to approach the topic to avoid anyone becoming uncomfortable.  
He had been a bit scared back then but together with Kyungsoo who easily talked to him about it he slowly came to terms with it.  
  
 _Kyungsoo._  
Who was his support, his shelter, his anchor.  
  
 _Soo._  
Whom he had fallen for two years ago.

 

* * *

  
[12:30]  
To: Kyungsoo  
Boarding the polar express right now!  
It's sooo damn cold even though the sun shines  
It's a lie  
Nature's a lie!

[12:32]  
From: Kyungsoo  
Haha, just take another hoodie out of your luggage

[12:32]  
To: Kyungsoo  
Won't it look stupid?

[12:32]  
From: Kyungsoo  
Oh I hope so

[12:33]  
To: Kyungsoo  
Yaaah.... .__.

[12:35]  
From: Kyungsoo  
Stop whining, staying healthy is more important!  
Anyway, you were arriving at... 15:13?

[12:36]  
To: Kyungsoo  
Nnnnope  
16:45  
Where did you even get those numbers? xD

[12:37]  
From: Kyungsoo  
Sorry...  
I'm a little forgetful atm...

[12:38]  
To: Kyungsoo  
Pff, excuses! :P  
Kidding, see ya later~

With this, Jongin huddled himself into a warm scarf and leaned back. Hopefully he could take a nap.  
With closed eyes he let the rumbling train serenade him into a light sleep.  
But if he was honest, his thoughts were still with Kyungsoo. He wondered what he was doing.  
With whom he was with. If he was alright.  
Lately, they had texted even more than before but he seemed a little distracted.  
Who or what could be distracting him?  
Well, he'd find out soon enough.  
In the meantime he should try to catch some sleep. But he already knew it wasn't happening. After all, he was sitting in a train full of people with their own heavy luggage. He wondered where they might be heading to.  
Maybe they were traveling, spending their holidays at a beautiful place.  
Maybe they went to the beach to escape the icy weather.  
It all reminded him of the beach, reminded him of him.  
But he could hardly fool himself anymore - by now there was nothing that wouldn't remind him in some way. As soon as he halted, as soon as the distraction ended, _as soon as Kyungsoo stopped texting him_ , the pain pushed itself to the surface, burning against his skin from inside.  
His head was already prickling and the negative emotions gained in weight so Jongin took a light sleeping pill. He was well-aware that there was no quick escape once you sank into the depressed mood.  
Kyungsoo shouldn't think that anything was wrong.

 

* * *

 

Scared, scared, scared.  
Jongin felt fidgety and nauseous.

[13:15]  
To: Kyungsoo  
Yeah, we definitely should  
Did you already see Inside out?  
I heard it's pretty good

Please answer. Please reply quickly.  
But there was nothing. The seconds ticked by and Jongin felt a tremble running through him.  
He was standing at a deserted underground station exit, deeply inhaling the cool air. Even though he was clearly running late he kept rooted to the ground, tense from the cold. Fifteen minutes ago he should have rung the bell at his aunt's house. It was only a five minutes walk from here, but he couldn't do it. Just a little longer, he had to collect himself. And he had to hurry.  
Why didn't he answer?  
He didn't want to face his aunt, he couldn't.  
I'm not strong enough. I'm not ready. I'm scared.  
At this rate, the tremor inside himself was going to win.  
Then he wouldn't be able to face her.  
And then she'd become more worried and at the next inevitable meeting he'd have to endure more of the pity and worry and the burden would grow even heavier and-

[13:23]  
From: Kyungsoo  
Nnnnope  
Let's watch it, then?

Sorry, I was taking a shower

[13:23]  
To: Kyungsoo  
Haha, no problem

[13:24]  
From: Kyungsoo  
Are you on your way? You wanted to meet your aunt at 2, right?  
You gonna make it?

He sighed a little to himself, his own terror temporarily forgotten.  
Kyungsoo really was distracted lately. Usually he was more attentive.  
Well, he was probably busy.  
Unfortunately, lying had become far-too easy lately as well.  
Which didn't take away the prick of guilt as he typed back.

[13:25]  
To: Kyungsoo  
Yupp  
Suuure, I wouldn't miss her cake for anything!

[13:26]  
From: Kyungsoo  
I'm offended  
So my cake's not good enough for you anymore, huh? :P  
Don't eat too much, we still gonna have lots of hot pot later~

He smiled. Whenever they were texting, it seemed as if nothing had ever changed.  
As if Kyungsoo wasn't stressed out and tired.  
As if Jongin wasn't messed up.  
Just like this, everything seemed kind of alright.

If only he wouldn't yearn for a little more. Pushing away the guilt over what kind of a terrible person he was Jongin straightened himself. Time to do what he had to and face his aunt.  
The thought of having hot pot with Kyungsoo and hiding in the safety of his room was what kept him going. The thought of the familiar posters, the soothing mess and, most importantly, the comforting presence of Kyungsoo.  
It kept him from breaking down and even brought a small, forced smile on his face as he took a seat across his weak-looking aunt.

 

Several hours later Jongin found himself walking down the street with streetlamps throwing smudged specks of light on the wet asphalt.  
He felt heavily drained. The music was turned up to the hilt and he was almost desperately willing himself not to think of Baekhyun.  
 _Don't think about him. Don't.  
Think about Kyungsoo._  
But eventually the thought of Kyungsoo was depressing as well.  
After two years he could still keep counting. Counting the days where his eyes lingered on the pale face longer than they should. Where he felt the strong urge to do something, anything to get his feelings across. To scoot a little closer when they lay next to each other at night. So close, so tempting. And yet so, so scary.  
He was terrified of the very idea.  
Kyungsoo wasn't into guys, they were best friends and this was all so messed up. He felt like an asshole for actually falling for that one person who had always supported his preferences. It was the exact thing he never wanted. It was awkward and it felt like using Kyungsoo's friendliness and as if he thought he was cheap and...  
The list of why it shouldn't have happened was long with the counterpart only having one point. And this one point easily stood his ground.  
 _It still happened. I like him.  
I really, really want to be with Do Kyungsoo._

He ruffled his hair and groaned in frustration.  
Maybe staying at his place for a week had been a bad idea. Once again, he could hardly fool himself into thinking that it would somehow sooth his ache, that the close proximity was more bearable than being far apart. Except it was. In a horrible way, it was.  
He wanted to be close to Kyungsoo, be an active part of his world. Wanted to make sure he was alright.  
Slowly he began to feel like a control freak. Whenever Kyungsoo didn't reply immediately he would worry himself sick, kept thinking what he might be up to. If he had maybe found someone more interesting to talk to. Or whether he might be feeling sick.  
Kyungsoo was being so strange lately, too.  
Maybe he has a feeling about what's going on with you, a small voice whispered in the back of his head.  
Maybe he wants to keep you at a distance.  
 _Wants to subtly get rid of you._  
He shook his head.  
That wasn't it. It couldn't be.  
 _This isn't right. Something's not right.  
With both of us._  
Jongin sighed as he slowly took the stairs to Kyungsoo's shared apartment.  
And his thoughts wandered off to his cousin Baekhyun.  
The brother he had never had.  
He wouldn't ever be back. He left him. Left everyone, for good.  
It hurt. So much.  
His aunt had looked so broken. Why did he have to be strong?  
Wasn't he only a kid as well?  
Hadn't Baekhyun only been a kid as well?  
Why weren't the adults responsible for acting strong?  
I'm fine, Jongin had said.  
And wondered how often his cousin had said the words himself.  
How often he hadn't meant them.  
How often he had lied to Jongin. Or maybe Jongin had never quite understood him, had never been able to see beyond the reassuring smile.  
 _He had failed Baekhyun.  
And as a punishment, he had left._

His fingers were trembling around the key, numb from the cold and shaken by his inner turmoil.  
It took him three attempts to open the door and he slipped out of his shoes, careful not to show his distress.  
Because he was fine. Today was a bad day, but it was his last day with Kyungsoo before he had to return. Therefore it was worth pulling himself together.  
When he found Kyungsoo curled up beneath his blankets, fast asleep, he hesitated. For a long time he just stood there, looking at the evenly breathing bundle of blankets.  
This was the last day.  
 _It's time for me to return.  
I should and I want to and I don't.  
Please. Please someone just stop the time.  
Let me hide in this moment forever._  
He didn't wake Kyungsoo up, how could he ever. Instead he lay down next to him and switched on the TV. Even though Kyungsoo's profile was far more captivating. There it was. The temptation. The fear.  
At some point he finally dozed off, being emotionally drained.

He didn't know how much time had passed when someone nudged him and he heard blankets rustling.  
"Soo?"  
"Hm?" he carefully hummed back and Jongin hated the subtle hesitation in his voice.  
 _Why...? Was he not trust-worthy? Not good enough?_  
"Just go back to sleep..." he mumbled back, purposefully sounding sleepy.  
 _Please. Don't go away._  
To his utmost relief Kyungsoo complied and even threw his huge blanket over him, sharing it. His heart bloomed at the small act. _It's alright.  
He doesn't hate me. He doesn't suspect anything._  
Still, while Jongin kept his eyes closed, the fading images of his dreams danced before his inner eye. They wouldn't stop, staying vivid and clear, repeating themselves like a broken video.  
Baekhyun, smiling at him. He remembered asking him why. But Baekhyun had only smiled and told him it was alright. That he was alright.  
Then there was Kyungsoo, calling for him. But he hadn't been able to find him. He wouldn't answer his phone. And Jongin knew that someone else had already went to help him. Kyungsoo didn't need him anymore.  
He had failed him. There was no one left.  
The tremor came back and he felt sick. Really sick.  
Jongin tried to calm his breathing, to get his act together. Kyungsoo was lying right next to him, he shouldn't notice anything being off. He had to suppress it a little longer.  
But it was futile.  
Jongin had been fighting it the whole day, had been vulnerable and drained and now it finally broke out.  
The panic.  
All the problems, the guilt, the fear. It was cutting his air off, made him shake.  
He kept his eyes closed, stubbornly trying to keep it in as good as he could. Hoping that Kyungsoo had already fallen back asleep.  
"Jongin...?"  
Of course he hadn't. He twitched and before he could help it, he was staring at the dark profile of Kyungsoo who was half-propped up.  
Another fresh wave of panic was overcoming him. Kyungsoo had noticed.  
He pressed his eyes shut, fearing what was about to come.  
Now he would be asking questions. Questions he had too many answers to yet none that would make it alright.  
He really wanted to vomit and the tremble that violently squeezed his insides made it only worse. It would be over soon, it would go away. It always did. He just had to stop thinking and try to relax. Try not to think about the way Kyungsoo was probably staring at him. About the emotion that might be written in his eyes. Whether it was worry, annoyance or disgust.  
For a few torturous moments he tried to stop himself from breaking down completely and Kyungsoo didn't show any reaction.  
Still, he was afraid to open his eyes in fear of facing the reality.  
He shouldn't behave like this, it wasn't necessary.  
He should be alright.  
For Kyungsoo, he had to be alright.  
He flinched when he felt a fleeting touch on his shoulder. Confusion cut through the haze of panic. What was happening? He tried to focus on the slow circles that were softly drawn across the fabric of his shirt. It was Kyungsoo. Touching him.  
He should stop him, this was wrong. Kyungsoo didn't like guys.  
He would get the wrong idea.  
 _Wrong, wrong, wrong._  
Yet he let it happen, had no choice as he was trying to keep _breathing_.  
Soon the touch went away in favor of a warm blanket but before he could figure out what to think, the fingertips wandered into his hair, gently petting it. Soft strokes, patient, slow, gentle.  
Kyungsoo was comforting him.  
Even though he was such a disappointment.  
Even though he didn't like him the way Jongin did. Never would.  
Indulging in this would only worsen the whole situation. Still, the part of him that kept viciously clawing at his insides was halting as the action went through to him.  
Kyungsoo cared. He wouldn't leave.  
 _Not now, that is._  
Still, he hastily repeated, his whole concentration on the caresses he received.  
 _Right now, in this very moment, he is here.  
And he'll stay._  
The burning thoughts began to ebb down as he increasingly tried to blank out everything but the movements of Kyungsoo's fingers. They felt so nice and left this shudder in their wake. Soothing. Gentle.  
The most important thing right now was not to think too much.  
Instead he reveled in the touch that for all it's simplicity was still the most amazing he would ever be granted by Kyungsoo.  
It took a while, but finally his breathing was back to normal.  
He had carefully thought about the words when he finally mumbled them out loud.  
"Sorry."  
"Nightmare."  
And it hurt him to know how easily he lied nowadays.  
Fortunately Kyungsoo seemed to believe him and just like Jongin feared, he withdrew his hand.  
NO, he thought and impulsively grabbed the pale wrist. Firmly.  
He saw Kyungsoo's widened eyes and quickly let go.  
No. He was hurting him.  
He didn't want to hurt him. The short bliss was over, he had to be strong again.  
Against all odds, even now Kyungsoo didn't say a thing and lay down, scooting closer. So close that Jongin's breath almost stopped. Until he could faintly feel his breathing against his skin. The warmth radiating off him. And with a mild smile, Kyungsoo closed his eyes.  
Jongin felt confused and fluttery and warm. But as it was always the case with these... These phases, he felt the exhaustion catching up to him and pull him into a deep, dreamless sleep.

When he woke up first in the morning, he found his face snuggled against Kyungsoo's arm and flinched back, disappointed in himself.  
He was really pushing the borders of their friendship. This had to stop.  
That's why Jongin boarded the train a few hours later with the bittersweet feeling that maybe this was the best solution.  
To return home.

 

* * *

 

Turned out, it had been a horrible idea.  
The only worse idea had probably been to visit Kyungsoo in the first place.  
Jongin felt like it was only getting worse from day to day.  
It didn't help that he clearly sensed something being wrong with Kyungsoo. Though they kept texting each other, Kyungsoo seemed increasingly moody - though he would never let out his negative mood on Jongin. That was just not the person Kyungsoo was.  
Still, it was most evident on the phone. Even if he didn't do anything at all, his answers were short and noncommittal. He had nothing particular to say either and seemed to forget whatever he said a mere five minutes later.  
Jongin had assumed him to be stressed or busy but while he was over it didn't seem like that was the case.  
He had also suspected Kyungsoo might be annoyed at him for some reason. But this didn't seem to be it either, judging by his frequent claims how he appreciated him.  
Kyungsoo didn't lie.  
So what was wrong?  
He wanted to immediately get back on the train and hurry to his side, keeping him company. Even if they didn't do anything at all, it'd be fine.  
More than that, even. He would be a hypokrit for saying it was all he wanted, but if this was all he could get then so be it.  
 

It was on the night of Christmas that Kyungsoo finally spoke up.  
Jongin had fulfilled his family duties and felt heavily drained. He had been sitting at the table with everyone, had smiled and shared a few cheery stories. Had tried to look his aunt in the eye whom they'd invited since otherwise she'd be all alone now.  
Everyone was walking on eggshells around her, the atmosphere tense and forced.  
Jongin hated it. Especially hated the way everyone was now paying attention to him. The last child of the family.  
They treated him like he was porcelain. As if he, too, could vanish at any moment.  
 _If you want to treat me so well, why do I have to keep acting like everything's alright?  
As if I wasn't thinking about Baekhyun at a day like this?_  
The way he would always visit after Christmas, personally exchanging presents with him.  
How he'd state that you needed good old-fashioned board games on Christmas and forced him to play the whole day while eating sweets.  
How he had said that his brother was embarrassing at the age of thirteen but was still put through it to humor Baekhyun.  
How he had begun to get over it and enjoyed the games at the age of fifteen.  
How they had become such a thing that even his mother joined in occasionally when he was eighteen.  
How he'd purposefully bought a new game and looked forward to it this year.  
Jongin stared at the still untouched game innocently sitting below his desk.  
He couldn't return it anymore. Maybe he should just give it away.  
Christmas was officially over.  
Now if only he could fall asleep and stop thinking about Baekhyun.  
He had always looked up to him. They had been so close, hadn't they?  
Obviously it had been a one-sided feeling.  
How could they expect him to forget about him, how dare they?  
And even worse, how could they believe his smile, assume that he had put Baekhyun behind him?  
They had no idea.  
Whenever he saw train tracks he thought about what Baekhyun might have felt seeing them.  
If he had felt the urge to end it.  
How long he might have been feeling weird when looking out of a high window.  
Whenever he saw a river or lake, he thought of the sea.  
And he wondered whether it had been calling out to Baekhyun.  
Loud and yearning, forgiving and comforting.  
 _Why couldn't I be his comfort?_

That was when the phone screen lit up and Kyungsoo's text message came in, effectively preventing him from lounging into another fit of emotions.

  
That evening Jongin felt despicable for the tiny, traitorous flicker of relief he felt when Kyungsoo confessed to feeling unwell. He didn't want to see him suffer, never. But Kyungsoo confined in him.  
He also came to terms with the fact that his place couldn't be anywhere else but at Kyungsoo's side in the near future.  
Anything else would break him.

 

* * *

 

"Really? I thought... Didn't you already have a place somewhere... Not here?"  
 _Yeah, at the huge animal shelter. I fought so hard for that place._  
"Yeah, but... They canceled my spot, last minute. And I had to find something new real quick."  
 _They'll never accept me in the future now that I canceled on them. Now this place isn't all that great but... It's alright.  
What a liar I've become._

Still Kyungsoo shot him an almost accusing smile at his hesitation. Said that he was always welcome.  
Kyungsoo never hesitated a second when it came to him. He always watched out for him.  
And he felt horrible for using this kindness. So that was probably the reason he hurriedly spoke before thinking when uncertainty flashed over his best friend's features.

"No, that's not it. It has nothing to do with your sickness, I swear."  
 _I'm just being selfish._

 

* * *

  
As the days and weeks passed by Jongin repeatedly doubted whether he felt better... or worse.  
Kyungsoo sure seemed to be doing worse with each day and it ate him up on the inside.  
More often than not he couldn't even recall what he had for breakfast.  
And Jongin's panic attacks didn't disappear either. Actually the number of situations in which he was forcing himself through an internal attack in the very presence of Kyungsoo was increasing. Still, Jongin was firmly determined that it was better this way than to return home and endure it alone.  
Maybe he enjoyed making himself suffer, but it was worth it. If he could be a tiny support for Kyungsoo, it was all worth it.

Maybe that made his slip up even more unforgivable.  
He didn't know what got into him when he had approached Kyungsoo while gaming. Maybe he had gotten a bit too carried-away, too bold... Really, he didn't know.  
It just suddenly... happened.  
He had leaned against his shoulder and when no rejection followed, Jongin had snapped.  
Kyungsoo was so nice, so friendly, so good. It just sparked a weird stubbornness in him. He wanted to push him, to get a reaction out of him, just... something.  
As soon as Kyungsoo flinched away from him, looking all awkward, the action caught up to him.  
 _What have I done?  
I ruined it._  
All that he had been keeping inside for such a long time, he had just carelessly let it out. His infatuation, his secret. He was bothering Kyungsoo and made him feel awkward.  
The guilt washed over him like a wave, crashing and drowning him.  
The fear was more urgent and violent than usual and Kyungsoo couldn't also see this side of him. So he did the only thing coming to mind - he fled. Just grabbed his jacket and left.

It took him hours to gather the courage to return.  
He had been cowering on a bench outside until the worst was over.  
Then he had to face the problem at hand which was hardly any better. How to react, what to say...  
The fear of getting rejected by him was so great he had trouble keeping his breathing in check. After hours of wandering around town, trying to figure out a way to take it all back and finally coming to terms that this wasn't possible, he returned.  
Never before were the steps to Kyungsoo's apartment so hard to take.

He was ready to leave, he really was.  
If this could mean that their friendship had a minuscule chance of surviving this mess, he would quickly leave without looking back. He had planned to admit the truth since there was no way around it.  
It came out as a garbled and stammered mess and he almost gave in to the panic once more.  
But when Kyungsoo drew him into a hug instead, he was shocked.  
Kyungsoo didn't seem angry or appalled at all. Not a tiny bit.

"Stop. Don't talk like you're disgusting. You're not. I don't want you to leave. That is, I don't want to force you either, but... Please don't leave."  
 _You're not disgusting._  
Oh how wrong he was about that, Jongin bitterly thought.  
 _Please don't leave._

And then Kyungsoo stumbled over his own words, clearly flustered at the sudden confrontation with Jongin's affection.  
He was obviously confused and didn't miraculously feel the same; of course he didn't. Still, he didn't reject Jongin.  
It was hard to wrap his mind around it. How could he be such an incredibly kind person?  
Kyungsoo even thought **he** was at fault. No matter how deep Jongin pulled him into this mess, no matter how many times he had lied - Kyungsoo trusted him with his whole being. It made his heart heavy with guilt.

  
"I-I don't want to t-toy with you or make you suffer, so can you please give me some time? God, I'm such an ass, sorry-"  
 _Can you please give me some time?_  
He really handled it more maturely than Jongin himself had and this made him feel small. But also protected, in a way.  
 _It's sad and pathetic but as long as you don't push me away, you can take a whole life-time._  
Kyungsoo himself had said it.  
 _Please don't leave._  
He wanted him here. And Jongin wouldn't ever leave, no matter the hurt.  
He'd work even harder to be the friend Kyungsoo deserved.

 

* * *

  
It had been a horrible day.  
His working shift ended around noon and Jongin was left lounging around Kyungsoo's room.  
Left alone with his thoughts. A bad thing.  
He had been feeling down and gloomy all day. And Kyungsoo didn't seem in the mood to text him, making him feel like a rejected pet. A very clingy pet. He was probably overbearing. But whenever no answer came he couldn't help but worry. After all, Kyungsoo seemed increasingly dizzy and fragile with every passing day.  
What if he got into an accident on the street?  
He really wished he could stop worrying like that... They had upheld a rather comfortable atmosphere but he still felt like a stalker on the inside. Like a nuisance.

All these thoughts were multiplied tenfold when Kyungsoo briskly entered the room and left without sparing him a glance a few hours later to take a shower.  
 _He's annoyed by me.  
I finally managed to annoy the endlessly patient Kyungsoo._  
This was it. Now he would finally give him his belated answer.  
And he felt horrible for being so selfish but even if Kyungsoo would promise him to stay friends(which he surely would), he was far-too greedy. He'd prefer to continue living together like this with no answer at all. Living with the tiny hope that he hadn't ruined it completely.  
That they could just stay the way they were.  
 _Please, please just stop the time._  
He was too caught up to even notice how long he had been sitting on the floor as the anxiety was bubbling to the surface.  
 _I still haven't been honest about everything.  
I don't deserve all this trust. Now I really have to leave._  
He blearily noticed that he'd spiraled into it too far already to suppress it.  
So when Kyungsoo entered the room, he froze in place.  
He couldn't face him, he just couldn't.  
Not like this.  
But when he tried to flee, Kyungsoo was faster and blocked the way. Even though he was annoyed and tired he was still bothering with him. The fear got worse and left a flurry of white spots dancing in his vision. Jongin was fully incapable of stopping it now and clawed for the only thing in reach which was Kyungsoo himself.  
"S-sorry-"  
 _If I let go, he'll leave.  
He'll leave me._  
"S-s-sorry-"  
He just needed some time, he could take the rejection, he could be alright.  
The sudden desperate urge to make him understand caused the truth to finally slip out.  
"P-panic attack - 's gonna be over soon-"  
And when Kyungsoo helplessly asked what he could do to help him he felt thrown back to the past, when he had confessed to liking boys.  
"Nothin' - j-just don't go away-"  
 _That's all I need. Stay._  
And exactly like the first night he had experienced the attack in the presence of Kyungsoo, he easily complied. He stayed and even carefully caressed him, trying to guide him through it.  
And it slowly sank in.  
No matter what Jongin threw at him, Kyungsoo would take it all in stride and be there for him even though he was fairly sick himself. He'd be strong for Jongin.  
Even if Jongin wasn't alright.  
For Kyungsoo, he didn't have to be alright and was still welcome.  
It wasn't only him needing Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo also needed him.  
Even if they would never be lovers, they could still hold on to each other.  
It was sad but at the same time warm and comforting. A steady constant in his life.  
They were parts of each others' lives.  
All these thoughts alongside the careful touches made the fear slowly go away.  
Jongin was completely struck by admiration for his friend at this point.  
So when Kyungsoo even leaned in to softly brush his lips against his, he felt nothing but disbelief.

"Are you... Sure about this?"  
Kyungsoo wasn't. Kyungsoo was anxious and insecure and scared.  
 _Just like him._  
So Jongin decided to be the strong one out of them. Not because he had to, but because he wanted to.

 

And later on, he would tell him everything. No more lies. He'd tell about the suicide of his dear cousin, his closest relative. How he had been messed up since then. How his anxiety worked. What exactly caused him to panic all these times.  
He'd explain and Kyungsoo would understand.  
Not only that, he'd try to help him, drag him to a doctor.  
Because that's what he had done for Kyungsoo as well.  
  
After all, that was how they worked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the story I've been the most anxious about so far.  
> The reason for that being that it has a very... 'ordinary' vibe.   
> It aims to portray issues many people may have and go by unnoticed.  
> So, again - if the portrayal offended anyone or you have anything to add or just share, feel free to do so c:
> 
> Love,  
> Sugar_and_Salt

**Author's Note:**

> I'll apologize for the slow pacing. It's just inevitable when dealing with depressions.  
> The next chapter will deal with Jongin's side of things.  
> Just like "The right answer to the wrong questions" this is one of my very few fics set in real life. Just a story featuring real people and real problems.  
> If it managed to strike any chord at all, I'd be really happy.  
> Feel free to tell me your thoughts.
> 
> Love,  
> Sugar_and_Salt


End file.
